Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Our Infrasonic Child

We are pleased to announce that our son has a job.

We need to get with our times, when a serious candidate for President of the United States is advocating child labor. Gabriel is three. Time to get him to bloody work, that's what I say.

And a bloody job, indeed, we have found for him: a way for him to contribute to the stability of this, the best of all possible societies.

Gabriel, you see, has perfected a whine that shames the entire arsenal of sonic weapons the military has developed for suppressing civilian populations. Gabriel's whines, screams, and keening do not merely threaten the structure of our eardrums. That ability is common among three-year-olds. No no, Gabriel is exceptional.

Gabriel's infrasonic abilities actually incapacitate grown human beings, inducing nausea and distorted vision due to vibrating eyeballs. He can whine at 7-12 Hz first thing in the morning, before he's even had his milk. Prolonged and repeated exposure to his temper tantrums, when he is rested and fed, exposes the central nervous system to intense distress.

We've been taking bids from various municipal police departments, and this morning we must return calls from the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security. We are going to be set for life. Gabriel will, in very short order, be deployed to disrupt and silence civil protest, and he will not require much in the way of expensive technical maintenance.

All he requires is juice, peanut butter, and a bubble bath around 6:00 PM.


Kelly said...

Humorous post....and let me say, I'm glad that's at your house and not mine! Though from what you say, the sound might well travel great distances.

Cute photo of Gabriel. :)

Arun said...

The bubble bath was the dealbreaker for our hostage rescue unit.