Thursday, March 28, 2013

When Non-Consent is Erotic (A Guest Blog)

Okay, Burning House residents, let's clean up the room.  We have a guest!

[As promised in the previous post, this is a guest piece by Kendra Holliday of The Beautiful Kind.  The Burning House invited her to write a piece about non-consent as an element of fantasy.  For context, please see the recent posts Sex and Avidya and Non-Consensual Improvisation.  Her piece is a call to openness and transparency about sexual feelings and desires.  I find myself wanting to ask more questions after reading this, but first thing's first: here is Kendra's piece.  If I have time to write a follow-up, it will be in a separate post.]

[Oh, and by the way: This is a piece about sexuality and includes explicit language.  I warned you, okay?  Take it away, Kendra.     --Alg]

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When Non-Consent is Erotic: Welcome to Fantasy AND Reality 

by Kendra Holliday

Last Saturday night, I hosted a gang bang. MY gang bang. Eight men fucked me. Being surrounded by ruthless male energy has been a long-time fantasy of mine - to be used, pinned down, manhandled, surrounded by men bigger and stronger than me, all having their way with me, shoving their cocks in my mouth and pussy, cumming all over my body...

It happened, and it was awesome.

It was awesome because it was CONSENSUAL.

I was able to fulfill an outrageous objectifying kinky fantasy in a safe and contained setting. Rules were in place. Safer sex was practiced. Drinking was done responsibly. The men were all friends of mine. There was no sneaking around - everyone's partner knew about it and supported it - espcially MY partner - he organized and managed it. Most importantly, it was all done on my terms.

My friend Jade has lived out a similar fantasy, only even more extreme, involving abduction and humiliation. That was what she wanted.

Jade and I are sluts - that's how we roll. A slut = a person who is in touch with their sexuality. Even when that sexual exploration takes us to some deep, dark places.

Are YOU a slut?

Are YOU in touch with your sexuality, or does a cloak of guilt and shame hinder your every move and cause you to do things you later regret?

A book I recommend often is Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies, by Michael J. Bader. In his book, Bader explains the difference between guilt and shame, where fantasies come from, and why people have aggressive and non-consensual sexual fantasies.

Rest assured, such fantasies are normal, and can be acted out in safe ways. I find exploring taboo topics to be therapeutic and a way to face fears. It's horrific to hear in the media about acts such as men having sex with a passed out woman while a bunch of people stand around and gawk, but have I fantasized about it? Certainly. You can read about it here. Having sex with someone who is sleeping or unconscious is on the necrophilia fetish spectrum, one of the most highly verboten topics. Sure it's disturbing, but that's the whole point - no one fantasizes about washing the dishes or performing other mundane activities - it's necessary and healthy to acknowledge our dark side and work the kinks out.

We ride roller coasters, indulge in spicy food, race on motorcycles, travel to exotic locations - why limit ourselves when it comes to sex?

Let's face it - we live in a patriarchal, sex-negative society. This breeds ignorance and fear. Patriarchy is fear of the feminine AND mature masculine. Women are repressed and men don't have a chance to fully mature, which leads to a terribly lopsided dynamic where men are constantly seeking out sex because women are told they are supposed to be above sex. As a result, men resort to being opportunistic and entitled, whereas women put themselves in risky situations and give off mixed signals, with both genders using drugs and alcohol as an excuse to break past the unrealistic social barriers. It's confusing and unhealthy for everyone!

There's an antidote to this sex-negativity and confusion - think outside the cage. Be open and honest. Accept others for who they are - including yourself. Operate on mutual respect. Work on self-actualization. Leave people better than you found them. Develop a sex-positive community in your area. This means offering safe spaces for people to discuss and explore their sexuality and be educated on sexual physical and mental health.

There's such a thing as responsible hedonism: As long as you take care of your duties and obligations, you can have as much fun as you want, provided you're not hurting others.

The eight men who fucked me last weekend got to act out an incredibly hot fantasy. They went into it nervous and unsure, but I think they were pleasantly surprised at how respectful a gang bang could be. (I'll be posting my perspective on my website soon, as well as theirs.) And who knows - maybe getting to roleplay with a fun-loving slut will offer them an outlet for their primal desires and teach them about what women want and how to better interact with them.

More people need to learn that sex doesn't need to be stolen - it can be given as a gift.

Replace the fear with love.

[Image:  A photo taken during Kendra's "gang bang."  Courtesy of The Beautiful Kind.]


Bob Colonna said...

Hurray for this blog. I like how she defines the limit and difference between sexual play and doing actual harm to someone. I wonder if anyone else has noticed that one's sexual fantasies are often the diametric opposite of one's day-to-day behavior and needs.

Kelly said...

"A slut = a person who is in touch with their sexuality."

I find this an interesting definition for the word.

Anonymous said...


Algernon said...

Anonymous, you spent more time typing in the captcha code than you spent composing your commment. Thanks anyway.

Anonymous said...

You want more words? Fine. I was filled with visceral revulsion reading about a woman whose sexual fantasy involves perpetuating violence against women by involving 8 men in a nonconsensual act. This sort of thing encourages the treatment of both men and women as objects rather than persons. I'm disappointed at you for endorsing her twisted and disgusting viewpoint. Is it better with more words? I thought yuck summed it up nicely.

Algernon said...

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Thank you for providing the kick in pants. I finished my response and even re-wrote it to showcase your objection.

Visit my reply here.